Precious moments

You know, it may seem silly that I am here blogging while I still have packing and cleaning to do...

...but you know, I have learned that these are the moments that make up life.   Now is the life I am living, it is not just preparation for when we are in New York.  It is these tiny moments, these drops of awesome that make up my life, and I know that I will forget them tomorrow if I don't try to capture them now. 

If I always waited until I had time to capture a moment perfectly I would never catch them.  I have to make time for this: the little kisses, the time together, the moments of celebration, the moments of transition, the smiles, the service, the laughter, the tears.

Tomorrow may never come with those we love.  These moments when we are here, together, are precious.

Happy to be Home

Little Spooner is so happy to have me back :).  He keeps coming up wherever I am at and gives me a bunch of sweet and gentle kisses wherever he can reach: my legs, my arms.  My favorite thing is when he snuggles up next to me, leaning his body into mine and sliding his little pudgy arm around behind my neck and leaning his head against mine.  I am grateful for such sweet and affectionate boys :)! I know the time will transition to when they get "too old" or just have different physical affection needs from their mom and that is how it should be.  I recognize and am happy with that :).  However, it is still so sweet and tender to get these little kisses from my two year old...or from my 10 year old or 13 year old :).

This last weekend I ended up accompanying Lek's ballroom dancing group, Silhouette, to their Gem State Competition in Idaho Falls.  What a whirl!  Avot and I had talked about going up with him a while back so she could take a trip up to Rexburg from there to check out BYU-Idaho for next year.  She is trying to figure out her plan of action.  She would like to serve an LDS mission in February of next year right after she turns 19 but wanted to get in some college before she left on her mission.    However, toward the end of our decision making, I had decided to stay home and just let her go up, not feeling that the burden on those at home would justify me going up.

Well, the morning of the trip, I got a call from the dance instructor for the group, asking if I could go up as a chaperone and take others as one of the chaperones had come down with an illness.  My original plans didn't include being available for dance chaperoning nor sleeping with the group, so I was going to take Hava and Papaya with me for some bonding time.  I don't know that the dance instructor was too excited about that but I wasn't about to leave two very intense and passionate young ladies home with their father last minute :).

So, with only about 5 hours notice, I tried to get us all packed, some food prepared and groceries bought for those at home, a schedule prepared for the Goob, Liliputian, Chugger-dude, Pipalicious and Spooner to follow while I was gone to make Daddy's busy life easier, and not leave the house looking like a bombshell happened!  This was no mean trick with moving happening and no notice :).  I prayed for strength and mental capacity above and beyond my usual allotment that day and was blessed with it :).  So many times I wander around in a mindless condition of wonderment...what was I doing?  That morning and afternoon I was blessed with energy and focus--and I used every bit!

It was a good weekend:
-Lek took 2nd and 3rd in Nationals with his cabaret team, and 4th in a syllabus competition where couples compete against each other in different dance styles.  Among about 150 couples, he and his partner placed 4th in Viennese Waltz, one of my favorite dances!  He made it through a couple elimination in some other rounds: the waltz and one other I can never remember :S.  The last two he entered with little to no prep, but simple desire for fun :). It was so fun to see him compete and do so well!  There is a video of one of his dances on my "page" on facebook...I don't know how to link that here, but it captures a little of what he has done.  Great job, Lek!  Not bad for less than a year and a half of ballroom dance experience

-We had a great time going up to the Rexburg temple...in crazy wind weather!  When I asked a "native" if it was unusual they shrugged their shoulders: "It's only, what, 35 mph?"  Yah.   Crazy!

The little girls and I planned on going to the park but it was horrible for my contacts and too cold for the girls so I napped and read in the van while they played among the seats. I am so glad I brought two of them to entertain themselves!

-Avot was able to get enough of her questions answered as well as a good impression of the campus there so she has a plan of action for the fall.  How exciting!  She was also able to watch Lek's performances among the many others with me and the little girls.  It was fun to see Lek's group compete with so many others and appreciate all of his hard work and training!

-The little girls and I were able to have a lot of time snuggling, talking and playing.  One on two make it easier to do that and they felt spoiled with hot pretzels, some bubble wands and new flip-flops...and they got to watch some "TV" in the hotel room (a novelty for them...commercials!  Woohoo!)  One of the days was particularly long, with the competition running until 11:30.

At one point they both fell asleep on me at the same time...while I was up in the highest bleacher section well away from anyone I knew :S. I wasn't sure what to do and how to move them without taking away from them their much-needed rest (it was about 10:30 and they hadn't had much sleep the night before).  I spotted Lek across the way--clear on the other side of a huge gym and Avot in the bottom section of bleachers in front of me and tried to send mental messages: "Look up here!  Look over here!   Look at me!"

Surprise, surprise, it didn't work :).

After about 20 minutes, Hava shifted in her sleep and moved her head off of my leg and "settled" along the hard bench next to me.  A lady a couple rows back (on the back row, in fact) had pity on her and put a sweat shirt under Hava's head, who remained blissfully asleep the whole time.  Grateful, I cuddled with Papaya for a while and then finally decided that because I could technically keep an eye on Hava while taking Papaya to Lek on the other side. (Going up and down stairs while carrying a little one to take them Avot--with my pregnant tummy--just wasn't going to work :S.)  So Lek got a beautiful bundle dumped in his lap and I went back for Hava and was able to keep her asleep until we left around midnight.  What a day!  I was ready to crash when we got home and the girls stayed asleep for the most part, thankfully!  They were good little troopers all weekend.

-Speaking of troopers, Q-dawg and the kids were really awesome.  Liliputian was a saint in taking care of so much, including Spooner, and the other kids were great at following through with their assignments according to their father.  I am grateful for responsible kids!  It helped that they were able to watch a couple movies a day, I think, as a little break from the responsibilities of running the house and caring for Spooner, but it all worked out...and the house was clean when I got home!  What a wonderful family!

Back to the "Grindstone" of Moving!

The Goob and Chugger-dude are engaged in a fun project: they are dismantling and old mattress (one with wooden frames and springs) and taking the springs and experimenting with making "spring shoes."   I love it when they can make their work fun :).

Liliputian is sweetening the work by making some Tollhouse cookies while I try and capture a bit of the moment.  The little girls are playing with whatever is still out: papers, coloring books, and video cassettes. 

Avot and Lek are off to Debate class before coming back to their own moving projects: Avot will be watching Mockingjay 2 on the computer in her room while she packs up and Lek is in charge of moving everything up out of the crawl space into the garage this week. 

Meanwhile, I will try and keep up with "normal" things (dentist appointment later today, lunch, etc.), pack a few boxes here and there and still love and listen to my kids to show that I love them...even in transition :).  Right now, my pregnant brain and body is not really working with me in this process: my thoughts are thick, my ability to organize my time or boxes very limited, and I think I could lay down and sleep at any given moment :).  I am grateful that the time has been extended to accomodate my slow, slow, slow rate right now.  I think I am actually going to have to take some people up on their offers to help.  I probably only packed 10 boxes total last week :S.  Well, that is 10 boxes less that I have to pack this week, right?

The little girls just came up to me with a beautiful "book" that they creatively made by three hole punching some paper and tying them together, a book of love for me and sweet pictures.  I love being a mom!  What a beautiful way to make this transition time easier!  Now Pipalicious is busily cleaning the bathrooms--without any reminder from me.  I am grateful for kids who feel ownership in their jobs!  Pipalicious is a great example.

Spooner has discovered drama and is very good and making all his sisters' hearts bleed for him :).  What a sweet little bug. I just need to keep him from being spoiled :).

Q-dawg is busy doing appraisals, making sure things are on task for the move, organizing the boys into work projects, learning about how to make improvements on our new house in New York, and making family time still happen.  I am glad he has time to play some basketball in the mornings to relieve a little of his stress.  An exercised man is a happy one :).

Flexibility :)

My life has been full of the unpredictable lately...

Mutual last night was an example:
-Avot's activity of sewing Quest costumes became Avot cutting out her fabric while everyone else (who either already had their costume or their mother was sewing it) sat around chatting
-the Goob's service project was shortened due to unforeseen situation and they ended up going to his scout leader's house to hang-out
-Chugger-dude's activity was changed last minute to delivering Scouting for Food fliers
-Liliputian was the only one who did what they had planned originally, a make-up makeover. I must confess I had my reservations about such an activity (in that I don't feel all 12 year olds need to wear make-up).  However, I was the one who got to be pleasantly surprised by the unforeseen outcome of her activity: she came home with exaggerated bright blue eyebrows, orange lips, and pink and red striped cheeks. (I think there was some green in there as well :).)  If make-up is a game and not an obsession, I am okay with it :).

I just found out that the Goob has a celebrated talent among his fellow scouts...he is the loudest one :).  He gets his lungs from his mother and has developed it diligently in his acting.  Talents!

A sweet suprise was the dinner brought in by a dear friend yesterday...such a blessing in the midst of literally hours of working through Chugger-dude's and the Goob's room.  The ironic thing is that most of their stuff was in boxes and suitcases when I went in. However, I learned from our experience in Hungary :).  It was about six months into our time in Hungary when I actually took the time to look into what Chugger-dude had packed and brought to Hungary, stuff that had traveled literally thousands of miles. 

Bent paper airplanes, broken cars and trophies, and rocks!!!!  Really?!?  I found a similar assortment yesterday in their boxes and suitcases and we had to unpack before we could pack :).  Not so much a surprise, but a situation that definitely required a sense of humor and some flexibility!

Snuggling and Growing up

A wide-angled view of my honey walking down the aisle of the room where I presented to the youth...oh!  And there's my adorable tow-head on the right side :).  Love that kid!

Have you ever seen Veggie Tales, the remarkably amusing Christian-based series sporting a cast of vegetables? Well, it is part of our families' culture and manifests itself in fun ways.  For instance, we have a relatively recent practice of giving sippy cups to the little girls and Spooner before going to bed.  It's a fun comfort thing to be able to give to very independent children.  The past few nights, Papaya has started singing the Veggie Tales song about...you guessed it!  Sippy cups!

Love it!

One of the things we need to do for the new owners of this house is to replace some of our double-paned windows that are foggy.  We took them out and took them into the shop on Monday but were informed that it will take five days for them to be fixed. In the meanwhile, we have patched up some coverings for the windows which isn't really a problem during the beautifully warm days.  However, at night it can get a bit nippy :).  Lek and Avot have been taking turns staying up late and getting up early to do appraisals (insanely so!...try staying up until 1 am and getting up at 3 am!) during the magic hours between when Q-dawg is using the computer and 8 am when theirs are due.  I walked past Lek's room the other morning to a strange sight.  It looked like he was laying face down on his bed with his legs on the floor, fallen asleep.  When I got closer, I realized his feet were actually wedged inside his laundry bucket, he had a couple blankets wrapped tightly around him, and he was reclining on his back, all bundled up.

"What in the world are you doing?" I chuckled.

"I just got my laundry out of the dryer and into this bucket and it is warm!!!"  Apparently, his early hours of doing appraisals in our well-ventilated house had chilled the poor lad :).  He has always been very creative in finding solutions.  Go, Lek!

 

Here is my little boy--annoncing presenters at the Winter Homeschooling Convention.  

Awh...he's all grown up!

This morning, Spooner woke up early.  He will often wake up and come and snuggle with me when Lek gets up for early-morning seminary.  This morning in particular, I was still in bed.  Allergies have really hit the last two days along with the warm weather so between that and pregnancy, I haven't been sleeping all that well.  I welcomed Spooner into my arms to snuggle in our blankets and he curled right up in fetal position next to me.  As we lay there, my mind went back to those first few months of his life when he snuggled in bed next to us at night, precious and priceless times.  We were in Hungary at the time in a very cold house, and, besides the fact that it was my preference, Spooner sleeping next to me seemed the healthiest option as well. 

I nuzzled Spooner's soft hair as he drifted off to sleep and thought, "Baby snuggling outside of me and baby snuggled within me...what a blessing!"  I love my life :).

For instance, we are using up things in our freezer so for breakfast we are having pumpkin cake (with pumpkin instead of oil...so it is sort of healthy, except for the frosting :)!) and strawberry shortcake.  Liliputian is saving us with one of her delicious smoothies.  She has recently become the smoothie queen and we all enjoy the fruits of her labors :).

A couple nights ago for FHE, Avot was in charge of a lesson on "talents."  She worked for hours on it, which wasn't helped by the fact that she lost most of it once from not saving it :S.    I wish there was a way to put her power-point on here...particularly the music video she did to the following song:
Only You (page where you can download it)
As part of the video, she had a page to feature each of us so we could call out talents each of us had.  After Spooner, she had a picture of a baby and the name "Safm"..."Sam"--a gender-neutral name with a silent "f," apparently the only letter of the alphabet not represented in our family.

That experience makes me think about my boys, my Goob and Chugger-dude.  They still love those good night kisses and hugs, even if Q-dawg may shy away from their exuberance to give them a bit :).  Even though Goob quite obviously succumbs to the influence of hormonal internal storms lately, on the other side of those storms are apologies, laughter and a bright approach to life that is such a blessing.  He is definitely a morning person and I love to see him brightly take on the new days.  I am grateful that I have kids spread through many phases of life so I can see them enter and leave different phases and see them uniquely deal with the struggles and joys that come with different transitions from childhood to adulthood. It is easier for me to enjoy them in the midst of what might be otherwise frustrating times: Papaya's "ferocious fours" with her yelling and attacking and storms of weeping afterward; Spooner's intent to imitate and do things on his own; Chugger-dude's emergence into the "scout humor" phase, lol!; Pipalicious at the sweet 8 year old phase, the Goob's entering the youth years that come with recognition of independence and necessary interaction with the world at large...so fun! 

Papaya is in the cute "misprounounce" phase: "Glace is my best fliend!" ("Grace is my best friend!)  "Mom, do I look pletty?"  They outgrow it so fast and there is so much talking going on around here, they eventually get it :).

The transition with Avot has been interesting.    I will go to ask her to do something or check up on something--like basics or exercising--and feel...wrong.  It is her time to go and shine, fail, learn and shine some more.  ("Fail" at our house is not a permanent condition but a temporary resting place before growth.)  Sure, she has commitments and obligations since she is sharing the same roof as the rest of us, but outside of that, it is hers.  I have felt that way for a while gradually with other things, both with her and Lek.  For instance, I don't often ask Lek to help with tasks around the home--changing diapers, babysitting, putting kids to bed, etc.  Q-dawg pretty much daily gives him "Dad jobs" on how to help him around the home, but other than his areas of stewardship and other responsibilities and occasional quick favors, I have felt that he is becoming a man and I need to respect that.

It is a...noble process to observe, for lack of a better word, this process of watching our children grow, take on responsibility, risk, struggle, rise, fall and rise again.  I love to see the way they square their shoulders when they face some new challenge, the way they set their face, arouse their determination and move forward.  They counsel with us, to be sure, but more often than not lately it has been more our role to listen, to be a sounding board as they sort through their minds to make a decision.

For instance, over the last few days Lek has been struggling with choreographing a song for his show-choir. He has spent literally hours listening to the song, watching other fox-trot videos, trying out moves on the Goob as he puts his ideas together.  He has asked for my help (with all my dance experience :)?  his faith in me is sweet if misplaced...), but in the end I gave a few suggestions but he did it almost entirely on his own.  And he did it!

Update with interruptions :)

It has been a while since an update, so here it is in a whirl!

Avot is applying for college and is hoping to go in the fall.  She just took her GED, has her ACT completed and we just need to finish it up.  It has been hard to fit in with all of her other activities: debate, work for her dad, choirs and finishing up the play.  It has been fun and a little challenging to navigate the expectations and changes for her now that she is an adult.  We almost did the first scenario of this Studio C:

...but we decided to wait until a few days after her birthday :).   I will have to post separately what Q-dawg and I are doing, but we feel it is a way to foster independence and help effectively as they start to go out on their own...but basically it will just become more and more uncomfortable should any child be tempted to stay, mwa-ha-ha-ha! Avot loves it :).  For now, she is enjoying reading more, teaches our sign language family choir and cultural dance day,....

Break!
We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog post as we rush off in response to the sound of vomiting in the other room!

As I was writing this post last night, Hava gave us proof that she was really sick and not just tired.  From her top bunk, she managed to contaminate three different beds as she leaned up to the edge to "do her business."  Unfortunately, Papaya was slumbering peacefully in her bed two levels directly beneath and got nailed...even worse than Hava herself.  Fortunately, my darling husband is a man among men and he took care of Papaya while I worked on Hava and the beds.

Carrying the bedding downstairs and already feeling a little overwhelmed with the week I have ahead of packing up our house with this tired pregnant body, my mind went to a bible video that has been in my thoughts a great deal lately:

I have tried to keep the perspective of the Savior in this scripture.  He knows that whether the tempest gets calmed or whether it brings them to their deaths, God is mightier than it all and will be good in His sight.  He not only is calm, but he sleeps.  I have been trying to capture that feeling in my life lately when I feel the storm raging, that feeling of peace that allows for slumber in the midst of the storm.  I pictured the storm last night, as I walked to the laundry room past all the mess, all the boxes, all the moving that still needed to be done on top of sick, vomiting children, feeling the weariness in my drained body.  And I felt peace.  Somehow, I can still find peace and joy in the storms if I look for it...or it is a divine gift, more likely.  Either way, I will take it!

Pipalicious is so cute.  She just sparkles and bubbles with joy most of the time.  One of her favorite things to do is, whenever someone makes a statement of something profound, meaningful or reads a scripture, she will pipe up, "Yah, it's kind of like moving to New York!" She has been excited for all of this.

If Spooner could just stop pouring, my life would be a lot easier.  He seems to have impeccable timing, pouring things out just as I am ready to walk out the door or as I have another obligation elsewhere....but you can't just leave stickiness to spread!  Not in a house with as many feet as we have!  Crazy kid :).  He is darling with an adorable apologetic twist of his head and sweet little kisses to make everything better.  He just loves to watch

Lek is still keeping very busy with dancing, working, school and social with "Jane Eyre" finished, but it is nice to have one less thing to balance for him!  He and Q-dawg have been having some epic wrestling matches, too, which is good for both of them. As they were going at it the other day, I called out to Lek, as he fought to regain position from underneath his father on the lawn: "Just think!  Moments like this will make victory all the sweeter when you do beat your dad someday!"  Lek just flashed me a strained grin.  I love watching them go at it!  It has been a bit harder for Lek after he twisted his ankle last week playing football, but he still managed to keep up with his many dance practices and other obligations.  What a guy!  He has also been enjoying his biology class now more that they are working on "macro" organisms.  Last week they dissected the perch and he decided that he was the dissecting pro, able to isolate miniscule body parts for examination.  Love it!

The Goob has quite the wit and keeps us laughing :).  He is excited to try out his air-soft weapons in New York and loves being with his friends around here whenever he can.  He is amazing at keeping his living areas clean, although some days (like this morning) he can get a little frustrated about cleaning up after others.  The little girls spent yesterday afternoon in "creative mode," basically moving everything from their bedroom into the front room to recreate a home...including clothing :S.  Yes.  A little overwhelming, but he bit the bullet and did it.  What a man.  He also has a fantastic scout leader who has been getting him through some fun merit badges lately and takes them on camps regularly.




He has a fun group to camp with and laughs a lot :).  He is also the Deacon's Quorum president and has been taking his responsibilities seriously, praying for and reaching out to the members of his quorum. He has a great heart and a talent for leadership so it is fun to see him grow and apply what he has learned in this role...and he makes it fun :).

The Goob loves doing the Duolingo French and is very motivated to progress: once he gets to a certain point, he gets some French pick-up lines.  :)  So funny!

Hava and Papaya have spent a lot of time snuggling and reading with me lately...well, when I am actually sitting down :).  Sometimes, I need to say "wait!" for my poor tummy after it gets climbed of for a while, but their brown and blue eyes respectively are so adorable when I can just focus on them and not on my sore body :).

Liliputian is in a fun stage of learning.  She is playing her piano lessons right now, loves lists, and completes hers almost every day.  She loves family history and Duolingo and is currently working on Swedish, Spanish, and German.  She is really a blessing to me, helping with the kids, snuggling, rubbing her Dad's feet every night during scripture reading and is a champion animal care-giver...her area of stewardship in our home.

Chugger-dude has been sick off and on for the last week, which hasn't been so fun for him :S.  He has the best smile, a good heart, and can be very tender, which his dad is great at helping moderate for manhood. :)  When they played football last time, Lek came up to tackle him and aimed low to try and miss his head but Chugger-dude also lowered his head and got clobbered on the head.  Poor chap!  Fortunately, Q-dawg was there to encourage him to "buck up!" and the game moved on.  Dads are wonderful people :)!

Spooner's version of the terrible twos

They can be summed up in three words: pouring, the fridge and wandering.

Pouring. My continual request to him: "Drink it, Spooner!  Don't pour it."  I feel like I am continually coming across lakes and puddles of one variety or another.  Last night, it was 1/4th of a container of juice...nasty.  Ever cleaned up a pool of juice?  You don't just have to collect the juice.  You have to clean the area with an extra 2 foot radius to make sure you get up all the sticky splatters.  Blegh!  And then you have to go over it again.  At least, you have to do that if you are like me and cannot stand sticking to your floor.  Fortunately, most of the time, the puddles are water so the house just gets cleaner.  We just go through towels quickly.

This kid is obsessed with watching liquid pour! Entertainment?  Give him two cups and a water bottle and he will pour water back and forth until it is eventually all spilled onto the ground...but it generally takes a while.  He is pretty methodical, bless his little heart.

The fridge.  It is his second home.  He has mastered the art of squishing himself up so that I cannot notice the 6 inch gap opening unless I am looking for it or go into the kitchen fully.  Fortunately, he cannot close it on himself (thank goodness!), but he sure loves it in there!  He is continually getting out leftovers, liquid containers (did I mention "pouring"?!), and his recent escapade included cracking eggs all over the floor.  Oh, he is very systematic about it and just exploring.  And he is oh so adorable with his little "sorry" and kisses when he can see that I am not happy with what he has done.  Oh, he is a love! (He is going up and down my arm right now with cute little slobbery kisses.)  It makes me just chuckle, shake my head, and sigh before cleaning up normally.  With the juice and eggs, he was confined to the bathtub until I could get the mess cleaned up.  Ever tried to clean up little juice or egg footprints running who knows where, only discovered by trial and error over the next few hours?  No thank you!

Wandering.  Definitely the worst of the three.  The worst case was when we were all reading downstairs, finishing up our family reading for the day in "Little Britches."  Spooner had been down there with us after waking up from his nap and I thought he was just playing with toys on the other side of the couch.  Apparently not.  As soon as family reading was done, we couldn't find him.  Twenty minutes of searching, neighbors helping and policeman called is a long time.  We live just across from a junior high with a lot of traffic.  Someone could have picked him up.  He could have wandered to the little creek up the street.  So many things could have happened!  Fortunately, our neighbor found him in the elementary school office (the one right next to the junior high).  Some girls had found him on the playground at recess and brought him in.  I cannot describe my relief.  My friend who had helped us asked if I needed help because of the emotional exhaustion she said I might feel.  It hit me a short while and I was grateful to her for the validation and support she had given me earlier. 

We were all a bit traumatized by it and Spooner got a lot of love for the next while.  We purchased some child safety door handles for our front and back door and that seems to have curbed the problem for the most part...except the morning a couple mornings ago when I had literally just left him and Hava on the front porch with instructions for Hava to take him to the back yard, I came upstairs to put down a book and wash my hands, Hava came in to go to the bathroom assuring me that Spooner was in the backyard with Papaya, and then Q-dawg came upstairs asking if we saw Spooner.  Nope.  A frantic five minutes passed and we found him two houses south.  Argh!  Needless to say, he can now only be outside with older kids!  Hopefully that solves our wanderer's danger! 

Yes, I am happy that he stays inside now and makes puddles.  The consequences of his other habit are infinitely worse.

I am not going crazy

I finally realized what was happening....

With this pregnancy, I have struggled with excessive weight gain (above and beyond the "beautiful usual") and extreme fatigue.  Just this morning it dawned on me:  hey!  I have had problems with hypothyroidism for the last two pregnancies...duh!  Both of those are direct symptoms!  Thankfully, I have found a good midwife and will start seeing her, transferring from the doctor I saw at the beginning of the pregnancy.   She is able to test and prescribe for such things, so that should be taken care of soon.

This week has been very challenging to keep going with things.  I literally spent all of Tuesday morning in bed, even doing our family devotionals from there.  I have really had to exert myself to get up and get moving despite my best efforts to sleep sufficiently, eat well, and exercise.  And with that weight gain problem...well!  We all know how depressing that would be! I have kept watching it climb quickly and been horrified as I have tried exercise, modifying my diet...anything!  Hopefully getting on some thyroid supplements will help, but it really makes me wish I would have thought of it sooner and could somehow zap off the "instant 20 lbs" that I gained over the past few months.   I am grateful, though, to realize a cause and that, at least for now, I will have more control over that aspect!

The kids have been fabulous and understanding. I do feel the strain of sacrificing the "good" of the many for the "good" of the one...the new baby.  I know that life is not to be without trials, but I have never liked the idea of any of my kids having to get less of me because of another...and creating situations that demand this.  I want them all to feel my love and get what I can give them.  However, I also remember not only being overwhelmed with one and two children, but feeling that when I had three, all of a sudden, I was beyond my capacity. symbolically and literally as I didn't have enough hands to keep track of all three at once.  Really...who ever has time to do everything they want to do
or think is important?

And you know something? My kids seem to be just fine :).  I am sure in the years to come there will be the looking back, the pondering on "what my parents did to ruin me" that always seems to surface in one child or another.  However, there are many things about parenting and raising children that defy reason, that defy logic.  It would take too long of a post here to cover them all but somehow, defying all logic of "modern acceptance of what a child needs"--space, time, money, investment, etc.--my children seem to be just as wonderfully dysfunctional as the rest of us.

This reminds me of a comment my husband heard recently at his 11-year-old scout class.  One of his scouts said, "You know, it's crazy how you guys are having another baby and..."  He hesitated.

My husband, with his usual humor, encouraged the boy to continue.

"Well,....it is crazy how you guys are having a new baby and you don't even have room for the kids you do have!"

Definitely not the observation of an 11-year-old.

Putting aside my initial shock at hearing my friend's family make such a judgment and my initial response to want to lash out and start looking for their parental deficiencies, what I really wanted to do was say:

"How much room does a child need?  How much is learned by sharing bedrooms, by sharing living spaces, by breathing each other's air? Is our society really all that much better and happier than other countries with our bubbles of individuality and 'comfort zones'...other countries that mix and mingle, see each other in their full humanity and inhumanity on a daily basis and somehow seem to be so much happier than all of us caught up in this rat race to create perceived perfection in our individualize, stylized worlds?  How lonely we are, as we carefully control our spaces and our bubbles, making sure we are not being hurt but also shielding ourselves from the blessed human-ness of our fellow man as we resist rubbing shoulders, hugging, speaking, and listening--laughing and crying together, being hurt and loved by each other--realizing there is beauty and safety on the other side of relationships that have been fixed when they hurt oh so much!

"How much did my children learn living in a one-bedroom apartment in Hungary of patience, tolerance, acceptance?  Would I trade that for a 10-bedroom house?  A house where they could literally live out their lives without ever needing to see one another until meal time?  Is that what we want?  Again, how much room does a child need...and 'need' for what?"

Yes, the boy's comment hurt in that I felt judged by people who I didn't want to think did that of me. I hate judgment...or rather condemning, since we all must make judgment calls to create or reinforce our own perspective.  "Condemning" is one of my pet peeves and yes--I am in danger of condemning those who condemn :).

I love the beauty of diversity and the knowledge and appreciation that comes on the other side of seeing people do things their own way.  I love the beauty and diversity of my own life that has come from trying to live my life the way I feel I should without feeling constrained or defined by society and it's expectations.  I mean look at me...homeschooling mom of 10 kids who also went to live in Hungary.  I am used to strange looks and general consessions: "That's just the Biesingers...doing things their own way." I learn a lot this way and generally spend my time looking inward and heavenward to what I should be doing, not outward to how my neighbors think I should do things.  I don't have the time, energy or resources (let alone the interest!) to try and keep up with everyone's perspective about what is best for me and my family.

Do I think I am crazy?  Every day.  I often lay awake in the morning or at night thinking about my kids, feeling my inadequacies and praying and pondering about each one: what can I do to show them I love them?  What needs do they have?  Many times, they or others meet those needs and I am grateful.  Hopefully through this experience, my children will always know that they have the whole race of humanity as their brothers and sisters, teachers and friends.  They see me in my imperfection try to love them, fail, and try again. Maybe that will empower them as future imperfect parents. Somehow, I see them look back at our lives even now and say, "Mom, remember how you always...?" and I smile, knowing that it was far from always and grateful for the hand of God, the hand of grace to fill in the gaps.

My house is not clean most of the time.  My kids fall and hurt themselves.  They fight, they fix, they fight some more.  They learn together.  They forgive each other.  They experience neglect and hardship.  They experience deep love and sacrifice.  They learn independence and interdependence.  You know, somehow, this "small and inadequate" house of 2200 square feet feels too big to me most of the time.  I miss Hungary, when we were always under each other's feet until the kids fled to the outdoors.  Our rooms were filled with people reading, playing games, talking and laughing and it felt good.

I am excited to move to New York and our 1700 square feet, 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom work-in-progress.  I am excited for the park next door and the "100-acre-woods" behind it for them to flee too...and the coziness to come home to.

How much room does a child need?  I guess that depends upon what you think a child needs.  And, novel idea, maybe different children need different things.  I am sure some may need that bubble of protection and space and I am grateful that they will have it.  I am sure some of my kids will think they are one of those :).  And I am sure that, if they look back honestly, they will see how much they gained, grew, and learned from their times tripping over each other and "breathing each other's air."

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”--Marjorie Hinckley