Lonely room

I've gotta say, I'm super sad that my little girls aren't sleeping near me anymore.  

Not to have Liesl wake me up with her fears.

Her quiet whisper, "Mommy, can you fix my blankets?"  Her love of snuggling.

I already miss having Penelope's soft breathing and little baby smell near me...the way she would burrow her soft hair into my face as she stirred in her sleep, seeking comfort.

We had been talking about gradually doing this for a while. I think Quinn was ready!  The impetus was that we were going to use the benches that propped Penelope's bed up in our play... but now we aren't really using them.  So....maybe I'll be bringing her back into the room?

It's funny.  We never really had our children sleep in our room until now.  I just like all the warm bodies jumbled all over me...althougb sometimes it does make for less sleep.

They're sweet.

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Side note on the little girls: they've found some great friends in the Wilson family's youngest two daughters!

Here are some sweet pictures of Sweet Pea's first playdate.  When my friend asked if she wanted to go home, she said, "No."  When my friend asked her if she wanted to see Mommy, she was amenable, lol.

We had our first dress rehearsal today and it was such a blessing to have Penelope so happy! My friends also helped us transport much of the materials over,...what a blessing!

A Snowy Day of travels, music and guns

 It snowed today.

I'm not sure why that is such a magical thing, but it truly is.  To have the world blanketed in frozen white brings out so much happiness and anticipation. I spent the usual long time getting the little ones ready in layers so that they would make it out. I had to really convince Liesl that I knew what I was talking about when I insisted that she not only have socks on, but that long socks--that covered the bare part of her ankle--would go a long way to making it more enjoyable for her.  Sweet girl.

Eli is also complex-ly sweet and wonderful. They both remind me of that phrase "how to hug a porcupine."  They are super cute and super prickly.  I hope they both transition out of it before Penelope jumps into it. 

Speaking of Penelope, Quinn just told me that she did a "daddy poop" and a "baby poop" today. Nice.  She and Liesl also love being doggies and I had to convince her that chewing on cords was a bad thing.  Yikes!

But back to the snow--there are many things I love about having Lily home, but I also just love her genuine joy of being alive and doing things!  She was out there with them the whole time, drawing the older girls out, which was so good for them.

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Maia has started playing the guitar.  I love the music that happens in this house! Piper and Havala play the piano; Xai and Eli are picking it up a bit.  Maia is rocking her songs.  I heard Havala playing the guitar. Drew and Maia have their ukeleles.  Eli sings as much as he talks, dear boy.

Havala just started taking piano lessons from a "master teacher" at Ohio University on a grant from the government. I'm excited for her!  She will have a recital the middle of February and she is also excited.

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Tonight Piper went to aerial silks--her second time back-- while Drew and Lily went to a new institute class. Havala and Maia tagged along, just because. I am sure they all loved being together!  They drove to Columbus for it, but it seems that is the way of some of these opportunities.  Tomorrow Drew and Lily will be driving with Mark to Columbus for YSA volleyball, which they are all excited about.

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We started our second week in a row going back to Vanguard today. I have really liked not overscheduling our lives.  Quinn had a good idea.  It is time to settle down and relax a little...not strive to fill every moment as if it was essential.

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While Havala was at her lesson today, I took Eli and Xai out to a fast food place for a meal as a reward for finishing half of a very long math book each.  Shameless bribery, but I'll take it.  They also get to watch some shows/movies in the afternoon if they have all of their school requirements done.  Again, I'll take this route for now. It's worth it. It's just for the painful ones: piano, exercise, math and journal.  Other schooling can just be inspired ;). 

Tonight, Quinn and I had a more relaxing evening.  We played a game where a blindfolded person shoots people around them with a nerf gun, based upon what they here. It was hilarious with the three youngest. Penelope is quite the funny target, taunting ceaselessly.  We also played a fun new game called "Mantis" that Piper got for Christmas. I played "Quoridor" against Xai--winning one and losing one.  Quinn and I found a new version of the old MacGyver show and watched the first episode of that together in a quiet house.  

We had Hawaiian haystacks for dinner and baked potato bar for lunch, using up the last of the lecso soup I made a few days ago, the potatoes tempering the overpowering concentration of flavors in the soup. (I accidentally cooked it over night, yikes!)  That offset the painful delivery of oatmeal for breakfast.  We're budgeting our food significantly because we bought some SUPER cool costumes for Jane Eyre that we didn't have discretionary funds for elsewhere...so now the whole family is paying, mwa ha ha ha!

Scriptures, Modern Revelation and Xai's first time at the temple

It's kind of crazy that the article “Come What May and Love It” is making the rounds again .... it seems so random and at the same time, so timely. 

I love how God puts things in place for the future. 

Kind of like "The Family, A Proclamation to the World." Talk about timely and timeless! I remember hearing it for the first time and thinking a respectful version of "well, duh!" Come to see how truly prophetic it is now!

Just the other day I had someone ask the question that always makes me feel uncomfortable: basically,  "what do you do in your family to 1) discipline,  2) create family unity and vision, 3) help them like each other" .... first I always assure people how human and volatile we are! That we have conflict and unease and so many faults just like everyone else.  But the things that DO seem to be working? It was kind of crazy that I felt all my answers-- at the core-- went back to either things I'd learned from the scriptures, from doing things wrong (thank thee, Lord, for grace!) and from the tenets found in the Family Proclamation.

God is so cool.... in a respectful way , of course.

Hey, funny thing... that "come what may and love it" (and laugh at it!) has really brought such peace! Well,  it's not funny,  per se, but it's funny how often I've had chances to practice!

That motto and the concept of meekness. (I have a collection of thoughts about that at the end of this entry.) Those two concepts put together are like the spiritual dynamite of temple/family history work!

And speaking of the temple, Xai was his usual analytical, slightly "autistic" self, although at first he was terrified of even getting the priesthood! Quinn and others (and I reinforced it) mentioned that he should act more reverent now that he'll be bearing the priesthood.  Bless his heart, he definitely could use that direction but he is very literal and was afraid of ever being irreverent again .

I assured him, dear boy, that plenty of people with the priesthood demonstrated immaturity, and that the idea was something to be aware of and strive for.  

Once assured by that, he stated looking forward to it.... and then the temple as well. His fears had really stopped his progress.

As for the temple itself, it was kind of a series of crazy things that morning before we got going. I felt super calm about it--for the most part--even though we ended up coming home again twice after setting off because we forgot things.  But then we were able to get a physical copy of Xai's temple recommend rather than having to have them look it up for his first time there, which I felt really helped him for the first time.

He was so small!  I didn't realize how much "room for growth" he has, but he was super tiny compared to everyone else.  He is barely 11, so I guess he is among the youngest to go, so that makes sense.  (Kind of like Penelope, who, though technically 3, is being allowed to stay in nursery because she really isn't ready to be in older Primary--or doesn't need to be, thanks to our sweet nursery ladies! She's getting six more months!  I love working with people who can see the spirit of "regulations" behind the letter of the "law.")  Anyway, Xai got there and, boy, was I grateful that two sets of missionaries showed up!  Michael met up with us from the sweet elders from his area and I had been in touch with Melder, so he and his comp were there from right by the temple, with one of the new converts from their area (a super sweet and real guy who was there just to witness people being baptized for his mom!).  Well, because we had so many men there, that lady that gets super nervous wasn't so uptight and I was super super glad that I had taken the time to decide to move on and build good bridges because we are going to see a LOT of her, apparently.  She is a good woman.  We just have polar opposite approaches to things and I am learning to be MEEK .  (Like I said, many opportunities.)  Just because we can do something "better," doesn't always mean that it's better, right?

I was so grateful for Elder Dysches (sp?).  All the elders were so sweet and wonderful in being willing, but he took special notice of Xai, being aware of things that would help him process things: inviting him to sit more close and center so he could observe it better before going in himself; giving him advice on how to hold on and let his knees drop; his stance.  Just a lot of little things that warmed my momma heart.  Seriously, if I can feed my missionaries (or drop off a stocking or two ), it is really all I can give to express the huge gratitude I feel for all the young men and women who have and continue to bless me and my family!  He just had a great experience.

So--I had just recently listened to "Come What May and Love it" so it came in handy for what happened next.  First, I couldn't find the van key. It was in Lily's coat pocket, but I was trying to hurry and dip and grab the pizza for everyone to be ready right after, but it took so long to locate her coat. The temple worker at the entrance must have really wondered about me because I started feeling the outside of the pockets of all the coats in the entry area, lol!  I tried to be discreet, but I had already gone back into the baptistry twice asking Lily where her jacket was! Super funny.  Anyway, then on the way, I prayed that the pouring rain would stop so we could eat together and enjoy each other a bit after, but acknowledged that I would be happy, trusting God, whatever.  And THEN there was a huge train crossing the path, putting me even further behind.  It really wasn't a big deal but sometimes in the past it would have been--with me fearing to disappoint or "make" people feel discomfort.  But I just kept thinking that talk and laughing and finding humor.  And THEN the miracles happened!  I was there in time for everyone to be finished; Melder and his comp had keys to the church; and we were all able to eat and enjoy in the comfort of the church!  And I picked up the perfect number of pizzas!  It was all super cool.

I know that God will put my missionaries where is best for them--for them and those around them. Transfers are next week, I believe. This pair here is truly interesting. I kind of feel bad for them.  The number of member meals is diminishing.  It could be because it's cold and etc. but poor dear Elder Noot is so much like Xai: very frank and unaware of subtleties.  It has been something of a learning experience--both in how to be mindful of how I take things and in maybe how I can prepare Xai for social settings.  I just don't know if some things can be taught! But like Xai, I know that Elder Noot is beloved of God and just sees the world differently.  Sometimes I wonder if it is we who feel "more enlightened or educated" who are really the ones who will be judged for how we judge more than those who seem offensive or annoying.

God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good.

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MEEKNESS: Softness of temper; mildness; gentleness; forbearance under injuries and provocations.

Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 

Number 12:3 (Now the man Moses was very ameek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)

Moroni 7: 43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be ameek, and lowly of heart.

“The Savior’s meekness and perfect walk before all mankind, “even in those times of severe persecutions and abuse which were heaped upon Him by a wicked and adulterous generation,”18 qualify Him as the perfect teacher from whom we are to learn the lessons of eternity…

Meekness is not weak, timid, or passive. Meekness is the quality of being God-fearing, righteous, teachable, patient in suffering, and willing to follow gospel teachings.20 A meek person is not easily provoked or irritated, pretentious, arrogant, or overbearing. Whereas humility generally denotes acknowledging dependence upon God and receptivity to counsel and correction, a distinguishing characteristic of meekness is a particular willingness to learn both from the Holy Ghost and from other people who may seem less experienced or capable, may not hold prominent positions, or otherwise may not appear to have much to contribute.” (Elder Bednar, “Walk in the Meekness of my Spirit,” 2017)

Neal Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: Meekness is needed in order for us to be spiritually successful—whether in matters of the intellect, in the management of power, in the dissolution of personal pride, or in coping with the challenges and routine of life. With meekness, living in “thanksgiving daily” is actually possible even in life’s stern seasons. (BYU Speeches, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles October 21, 1986)

Personal definition:  Meekness is powerful, God-centered self-control, which not only helps me control myself, but also gives fertile ground for the birth of faith and hope.

Personal application:  I want to have hope and faith in my life.  To do so requires meekness, which is “the dissolution of pride” and I’ve already felt the fruits in my life.   I have also seen it be powerfully applied in the lives of others and am excited to apply it more!  When in doubt, seek to be meek!

Dzado New Year's Update (from Tova's perspective)

Last January, we were walking along the path of life. It had hills and valleys, but we could see a lot of joy ahead of us. Then, in February, I felt like a mountain just fell in our path--the shock wave knocking me down. Since then, Ben and I have been trying to get over that mountain. 

At the beginning of 2023, I had a lot of expectations and hopes for the New Year. On Christmas of 2022, we found out I was pregnant! I also got accepted into a Graduate program, and I found a new job. A lot of things were happening, and I was excited for all of them. It was going to be challenging, especially after taking a six-month break after finishing my Bachelors, but it was going to be a rewarding challenge. (I graduated with a degree in Psychology and am working on a MS in Mental Health Counseling, with the end goal of working as a play therapist with kids.)

Ben had changed programs at his company (Lockheed-Martin), including a well-earned promotion. In the end of 2022, he was travelling to California fairly frequently, and he had more plans for travelling in 2023. He was excited about our baby, and nervous about all the changes they would bring. 

At the beginning of February, I went in to see the midwife's group we were using because of a few scares I had, but we saw the baby and heard the heartbeat, so thought that everything was fine. About 36 hours after one of those visits, I woke up at 2am and had a miscarriage. I was almost 12 weeks along. Ben helped me to the ER clinic a few minutes away, his brother came to support us, and my mom flew in. She stayed with us for about a week, which was an incredible help. We buried our baby and tried to figure out how to grieve. 

All year I've been alternating in a slightly bi-polar fashion; for example, lying in bed for a few days, then redecorating our apartment, (including painting some bookshelves). I did a March walking challenge with Zoe, which was good for both of us. 

Some fun things we did were biking in the spring, doing some puzzles, we went swimming in the summer. We also tried out a few escape room/puzzle solving video games together. Zoe has been doing better on walks--she doesn't pull as much. She will still get excited and jump on people occasionally, but is improving on that front as well. 

I got to spend a lot of time with family this year, which was wonderful. Piper came for a visit, the whole family came for a week of games and excitement, I visited in July and October, Ben and I went up for Christmas, a lot of great times. We also had some great dinners with Ben's brother and his family here in Texas, and I even got to take my niece and nephew to a concert!

In July, we decided to get another puppy (as many of you have probably already seen)! Zane was confident and energetic right from the get-go and is now bigger than Zoe. Some of his nicknames are "Stinky Puppy" and "Sir Pees-a-Lot," but he's also very smart (aka, food motivated) and has already learned a lot of the tricks that Zoe knows. I've learned a lot about training labs this year (specifically labs, though, not other dogs. I can't help with your dog). It's also fun to watch Ben play with them and he teaches them control during rough play (e.g., how to not bite your hand during tug-a-war). 

In April and September, I struggled with suicidal ideations, so I got some counseling both times. Ben was incredibly supportive with those decisions. At one point, I really wanted to do something drastic to my hair. I managed to tone the dramatic urges down from either getting a buzz cut or dying it blue to just getting a pixie cut, which I have had before. It's not my favorite haircut, but I regret it a lot less than I would have regretted one of the other options, so it served its purpose. 

It's been a really hard year, and I don't see yet what God's plan was and is for us. We've had a lot of the "worst of times" with anxiety attacks, late nights, and lots of crying. We're still climbing the mountain that was dropped in our path. Hopefully we'll end up being stronger because of it. 

Because climbing a mountain is exhausting, I don't always have the energy to respond to people (and as a profound introvert, communication takes up energy). Thank you to everyone who has, does, and will reach out. We love you and appreciate your love for us. I'm sorry in advance for dropping the ball on my end of the conversation 💕.

We're looking forward to a New Year and the changes that will continue to come. Happy 2024!

Penelope's Purse, Xai's First Temple Trip and New Lessons

 Penelope (3) got a fluffy pink backpack for her birthday last year. I had no idea what a perfect present it was until I started losing all types of things into it.  Apparently, we had an old doorknob lying around that we weren't using. Hmmmmm....Yesterday Piper retrieved two Rubik's cubes from it among the many other things. I have pulled out missing game pieces, puzzle pieces, cans of food, tools, flashlights, all sorts of things!  What a cute little girl.  She loves insisting that she puts in on before she goes places.

TODAY:

Tonight she was crawling around the room during scriptures, growling like a dog and attacking and whacking people.  Next thing I knew, she was carrying around a bowl of old popcorn kernels and "feeding" them to her siblings.  Next it was a sippy cup with grape juice that she was sharing. I do adore this phase.

Meanwhile, Liesl was snuggling up against me.  She has been hot and cold lately, with a lot of spunk.  She goes from sweet to screaming in seconds, but--go figure--as I show her more love and compassion, the screaming seems to be diminishing.  She still sleeps by us at night in a cot and has her nightly routine of prayers (hers and mine), then "hug hug kiss kiss goodnight goodnight love love heart heart love love" (accompanied by sign language), a system she developed shortly after Lily was yanked out of her life.  I didn't realize the impact it would have on her cute little four year old pysche to wake up one morning with Lily gone on her mission.  (We had taken her to the airport early in the morning and didn't want to disturb the little ones. If I had known how much it was going to disturb Liesl in the long run, I wouldn't have attempted that!) It has taken months of huge separation anxiety to begin recouping a degree of sanity and diminish just a smidge of her fear.

Earlier today, we made a trip to the temple, Xai's first time!  It took us like three times to leave the house, too, lol...typical pre-temple trauma.  It seems like that so often when we try to go to the temple.  Fortunately I listened to a talk recently called "Come What May and Love It" by Worthlin, where he encourages to laugh at our misfortunes...so I did a lot of laughing today!  I laughed when I was running to get pizzas for our group at the temple--which included four hungry missionaries--and had a long train crossing our path. I laughed when I took a wrong turn that added fifteen more minutes onto our already epically long drive.  Lots of laughing ;).  

The temple was special. One of the missionaries really took Xai under his wing to help him adjust to his first time in the temple.  We were able to do the work for so many of our family members <3.  Piper--who has had ear problems when she goes underwater--stayed home with the three youngest, where Elijah was traumatized by violent elephant documentaries, yikes!  Hopefully he'll be able to recover from that! He's such a sweet and sensitive kid.

But back to Xai, I think he had a really great experience.

He wasn't too happy about all of us going to institute for Lily after the temple (while we were in Columbus).  Or going to pick up someone in Albany to then go to the church and then back to Albany before going home.  But I was able to counsel with a friend about parenting; Havala was able to practice accompanying Alex with this epic trumpet/piano duet; Lily was able to enjoy her first institute class post-mission...so many good things!  

ROUTINES:

Liesl has been enjoying her piano lessons from Havala. Eli does them grudgingly.  Xai is doing well with them. It was fun to hear him and Havala doing a duet downstairs.  (I am loving having two pianos in the house!  It makes practicing so much easier with all the kids!)  Havala is excited to start piano lessons next week.  We got a grant from the state that will pay for them from master students at the university.

Piper has started doing silks again in Columbus, and I'm excited for her!  Maybe eventually we'll get Maia going with gymnastics again.  She was always so great with her body.  She is quite the warm and loving girl.  Just today, she graciously conceded the front seat to Havala--there is some kind of complex front seat rotation going on that became a sore point. I felt overall it went well for a teenage disagreement.  And I toned down my involvement, which is a huge improvement on my part as well.