I just woke up again after our early morning trip to the airport.
Lek is on his way.
He has been anticipating this moment since he was young, but not necessarily his mission (although that has been something he has thought of over the years). Rather he has been anticipating that final departure from our house and the freedom that would go with it :). His journey and mine together have been a rocky one at times but I know that he and I know each other pretty deeply because of it. We also know that we can love each other in the face of adversity and that it will be there despite our mutual weaknesses.
We are very similar in so many ways as far as our personalities and perspectives. Tova and Q-dawg share similar temperaments, even though both of those statements are gross generalizations. Lek's and mine have led to me learning so much about myself, my parenting, why I do what I do. His has not always been a comfortable parenting as he has so often challenged the why of what we do. Looking back, the kids have all done this in their own way, but somehow Lek probed deeper. He is good at discerning truth, discerning the falseness or sincerity behind words and emotions.
I am not good at faking it with him :). I have been amazed again and again how I can be having my own internal dialogue, have it shift slightly to the worried, concerned or negative and he will turn from what he is doing and ask, "Mom, are you alright?"
I will miss that.
I will miss him.
But I am happy for him.
His time has come. He is ready. He is ready to take on things, experience failure and success with equal determination, although perhaps the former even more than the latter. I was thinking about this very thing as I prepped in the bathroom this morning, thinking about the many different bathroom situations he has been in: tiny or trying in Hungary (all of us sharing one!), unfinished or nasty at this current house...he is emotionally and mentally prepped for some seriously crazy stuff!
Lek has suffered humiliation as his family sang Beetles songs in the streets of Buda, encouraging the rain to stop :).
He has spent 12 hours in one day home teaching three families in Hungary with his dad, part of which he spent biking up and down steep staircases on the side of the hill.
He has had so many different kinds of FHE and scripture study that he knows it can happen in any situation...and to just keep trying.
Some other fun memories we have reflected on the last few days are:
--the first time Q-dawg came home from a football game with Lek and Q-dawg actually played his hardest on Lek. Lek even had a torn shirt to prove it!
--evenings where scripture study became wrestling between Lek and Q-dawg
--pets: iguanas, dogs, chickens...fish. Maybe he will marry a wife who will be better with animals than we are :).
--when I called on him to kill the mangled chicken and his tender, 11-year old heart wasn't ready to do it. The still struggling bird sensed its impending doom, squawked madly and struggled to its feet, staggering off. It lived for another two years.
--Lek and the Goob and their banter and wrestling, play fighting and real fighting.
--the way Lek has with babies and little girls...they all seem to love him immediately. I think it is because they sense his sincerity and that gentle nature that he tries so hard to hide sometimes.
As I packed away some of Q-dawg's things after switching suitcases out for Lek, I came across a stash of balls. Little bouncy balls. Memories of Lek and Q-dawg chasing each other across the house pelting each other with mini-balls came to mind. Sigh. So much fun.
Even though I will miss him as I missed Avot, I can see that having them stay in our home any longer was also not right for them. They are ready. They need to leave, to go out, to try out their ideas, test their dreams, stretch their muscles in the world and find a place of their own. My heart is sad and glorious all at the same time.
So forgive me if I weep a little or for the silly smile that you may find on my face as I day dream...and then hug those littles ones with me a little more closely.
******************
As I have reflected back on memories of Lek and Avot, I have many, many memories of things I have done wrong: out of control parenting, anger, severe and unjust punishment, unrealistic expectations, sheer meanness. Looking back, I can see so much born out of insecurity, fear, ignorance, bad parenting advice and assumptions. It is interesting: I can remember so many more of those bad parenting moments with Avot and Lek than with all of the other kids combined. Either we broke new ground with them that I repeat with the others so the experience is not longer shocking or those experiences have taught me to be a little slower to anger, a little quicker to say sorry or take a step back, a little nicer.
And do you know something? I am so happy for Lek and Avot, so proud of who they are...not only because of those things I did right, but more importantly, who they have become in spite of all those things I did wrong and the imperfect parent I still am. I see the merciful hand of God using these experiences to teach all of us and soothe those pains of past imperfections.
Perfection? Maybe not according to somebody else's standard. But I am beginning to see the perfection in imperfection. Honestly, it is nice that they are both on missions; I am happy that they have decided to take a path that has so many blessings that go along with it. However, I have felt strongly that at this point if they were to leave my house and go anywhere: into the military, the work force, foreign service, get married...it is their moment. I have done all I could, however imperfectly, and that was enough. They are largely what they have done through their own choices...believe me. I didn't have nor take the time to do as much as I have felt that they "needed" over the years!
But it worked out. They are fine, decent people who are imperfect just like me and that is okay. They will continue to work and grow and make a difference in the world and perhaps by rubbing shoulders with all the great people I sought to bring into our home through literature, visitors and videos, they have taken a little of that greatness and made it a part of themselves.
What does this mean for the other kids? Much more :). And a lot less. Despite what the Goob wishes, it does not mean "more juice" :).
What it does mean is more moments taken to just breathe before cleaning up that fifth spill of the evening. Less stress and worry invested in all that I simply cannot do. More enjoying of the moments. Less anger at imperfection. More laughing at imperfection. Less list-making. More trust that their Heavenly Parents are invested in their lives even more than I am and that I just need to let go.
Lek is on his way.
 |
| On his way from the airport to the MTC with Oma and Opa and Unca Markie |
He has been anticipating this moment since he was young, but not necessarily his mission (although that has been something he has thought of over the years). Rather he has been anticipating that final departure from our house and the freedom that would go with it :). His journey and mine together have been a rocky one at times but I know that he and I know each other pretty deeply because of it. We also know that we can love each other in the face of adversity and that it will be there despite our mutual weaknesses.
We are very similar in so many ways as far as our personalities and perspectives. Tova and Q-dawg share similar temperaments, even though both of those statements are gross generalizations. Lek's and mine have led to me learning so much about myself, my parenting, why I do what I do. His has not always been a comfortable parenting as he has so often challenged the why of what we do. Looking back, the kids have all done this in their own way, but somehow Lek probed deeper. He is good at discerning truth, discerning the falseness or sincerity behind words and emotions.
I am not good at faking it with him :). I have been amazed again and again how I can be having my own internal dialogue, have it shift slightly to the worried, concerned or negative and he will turn from what he is doing and ask, "Mom, are you alright?"
I will miss him.
But I am happy for him.
His time has come. He is ready. He is ready to take on things, experience failure and success with equal determination, although perhaps the former even more than the latter. I was thinking about this very thing as I prepped in the bathroom this morning, thinking about the many different bathroom situations he has been in: tiny or trying in Hungary (all of us sharing one!), unfinished or nasty at this current house...he is emotionally and mentally prepped for some seriously crazy stuff!
Lek has suffered humiliation as his family sang Beetles songs in the streets of Buda, encouraging the rain to stop :).
He has spent 12 hours in one day home teaching three families in Hungary with his dad, part of which he spent biking up and down steep staircases on the side of the hill.
He has had so many different kinds of FHE and scripture study that he knows it can happen in any situation...and to just keep trying.
 |
| Lek right after defeating his dad in a wrestling match for the first time ever. It was on his 18th birthday. What a way to celebrate! |
--the first time Q-dawg came home from a football game with Lek and Q-dawg actually played his hardest on Lek. Lek even had a torn shirt to prove it!
--evenings where scripture study became wrestling between Lek and Q-dawg
--pets: iguanas, dogs, chickens...fish. Maybe he will marry a wife who will be better with animals than we are :).
--when I called on him to kill the mangled chicken and his tender, 11-year old heart wasn't ready to do it. The still struggling bird sensed its impending doom, squawked madly and struggled to its feet, staggering off. It lived for another two years.
--Lek and the Goob and their banter and wrestling, play fighting and real fighting.
--the way Lek has with babies and little girls...they all seem to love him immediately. I think it is because they sense his sincerity and that gentle nature that he tries so hard to hide sometimes.
As I packed away some of Q-dawg's things after switching suitcases out for Lek, I came across a stash of balls. Little bouncy balls. Memories of Lek and Q-dawg chasing each other across the house pelting each other with mini-balls came to mind. Sigh. So much fun.
Even though I will miss him as I missed Avot, I can see that having them stay in our home any longer was also not right for them. They are ready. They need to leave, to go out, to try out their ideas, test their dreams, stretch their muscles in the world and find a place of their own. My heart is sad and glorious all at the same time.
So forgive me if I weep a little or for the silly smile that you may find on my face as I day dream...and then hug those littles ones with me a little more closely.
******************
As I have reflected back on memories of Lek and Avot, I have many, many memories of things I have done wrong: out of control parenting, anger, severe and unjust punishment, unrealistic expectations, sheer meanness. Looking back, I can see so much born out of insecurity, fear, ignorance, bad parenting advice and assumptions. It is interesting: I can remember so many more of those bad parenting moments with Avot and Lek than with all of the other kids combined. Either we broke new ground with them that I repeat with the others so the experience is not longer shocking or those experiences have taught me to be a little slower to anger, a little quicker to say sorry or take a step back, a little nicer.
And do you know something? I am so happy for Lek and Avot, so proud of who they are...not only because of those things I did right, but more importantly, who they have become in spite of all those things I did wrong and the imperfect parent I still am. I see the merciful hand of God using these experiences to teach all of us and soothe those pains of past imperfections.
Perfection? Maybe not according to somebody else's standard. But I am beginning to see the perfection in imperfection. Honestly, it is nice that they are both on missions; I am happy that they have decided to take a path that has so many blessings that go along with it. However, I have felt strongly that at this point if they were to leave my house and go anywhere: into the military, the work force, foreign service, get married...it is their moment. I have done all I could, however imperfectly, and that was enough. They are largely what they have done through their own choices...believe me. I didn't have nor take the time to do as much as I have felt that they "needed" over the years!
But it worked out. They are fine, decent people who are imperfect just like me and that is okay. They will continue to work and grow and make a difference in the world and perhaps by rubbing shoulders with all the great people I sought to bring into our home through literature, visitors and videos, they have taken a little of that greatness and made it a part of themselves.
What does this mean for the other kids? Much more :). And a lot less. Despite what the Goob wishes, it does not mean "more juice" :).
 |
| The Goob from his allergic reaction when he ate a dandelion (and another small flower). And this was not the worst of it. Imagine the WHOLE face incredibly puffy and no little eyes poking through...so sad! |
 |
| Fortunately, I don't need to let go of some of these darlings for a while :) |
