Missing My Kids and "Finishing"

As I visualized my individual family members this morning, my gaze lingered on the photos of Avot and Lek.  My time with them truly was so small.  I have heard people say it.  I knew it would be so.  I thought I felt it.  But...catch my heart...they are flown as fledglings from the nest for the rest of their life and eternity.  The time when they were here in my home is truly just a blink of an eye.  It will never be the same. I will never be the nurturer that I was, to the degree I was. They will always be my children. I will always nurture them.  It will just be different. What a gift parenting truly it.

For now I will weep. Just a bit.

What a treasure their lives and time with me were.  Oh the fantastic memories and learning that we did together: fighting, loving, laughing, arguing, working, making memories, learning.  Those moments become infinitely more dear.

I am so grateful for the perspective I can have to hopefully cherish the moments with my little ones a little more...hold them a little longer. Stop working on my stuff more often to find my children and work on their stuff with them.

I posted on facebook yesterday something that happened recently...a little epiphany caught on a random piece of paper I happened to read before throwing it away.  I had jotted down:

"Finish a book?"
"Finish a class?"
"No...I am finishing you."

Last night I had a chance to experience this "finishing" process...again :). I was very gun-shy to start dry-walling again. I feel as though whatever I put my hand to in this house project is just not quite good enough.  Not only that, I generally can hear or experience up close the kids and their needs while I am doing it, feeling the tear of what the priority is. All those elements combined have caused me to put off my participation in the moving forward of the house work.   Yes, I have been busy.  Yes, I have lots of little ones who need and want my help...and older ones as well.

However, last night, after being inspired by the progress being made by my friends, the Moores, on their farmhouse, I determined to at least do a little work on the front area.  I started measuring, and remeasuring...and remeasuring, determined to do it well enough that we wouldn't have to do drastic fix-up work later.  Papaya came down not once, not twice, but three times.  The first time, I was a nice mom.  The second time I wasn't.  She had brought up a fireplace poker and I heard she and Spooner crying.  Loudly.  Right outside Binks' room where he lay sleeping.

Not-nice Mommy time.

In my haste (my default, unfortunately), I broiled with anger and stormed up the stairs, hurrying them into the other room. Then, I asked for the story.  The poor weeping dear had accidentally poked herself with the poker in the nose. I took a deep, thoughtful pause and said, "That is punishment enough.  You knew it was wrong.  Don't be sneaky."

"Yes, mommy," came the tearful reply.

I went back downstairs after doing some cuddle time and explaining why mommy was working downstairs ("couches!" "reading!"..."movies?" asked Papaya; of course).  I replayed the whole scenario in my mind and determined that when (not if) the kids came down again (or in any situation where I usually lose my cool immediately) I would take that deep Amish breath and find out what was really happening.  Well, I got the chance to test it out :).

What felt like only a few minutes later Papaya was down again.  As I felt the irritation rise, I took a deep breath and asked, "What is it?"  "I want a hug and a kiss," she replied in her cutest little girl voice.

Pause.  Thinking. "Okay, come here and I would love to give you one but that is the second time you have come down when you weren't supposed to, so if you come down next time, unless it is an emergency, I will spank your bum."

Practice.  Breathe.  Yes, finishing me and honing down my temper is the ultimate project God is working on, not the drywall.  It put a little spin on the usual scenario.  Success is not having the drywall up, although it does feel amazing.  Ultimate success is developing those traits found in 2 Peter chapter 1:

 4 Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious^apromises: that by these ye might be ^bpartakers of the^cdivine ^dnature, having ^eescaped the ^fcorruption that is in the world through ^glust.

 5 And beside this, giving all ^adiligence, add to your faith^bvirtue; and to virtue ^cknowledge;

 6 And to knowledge ^atemperance; and to temperance^bpatience; and to patience ^cgodliness;

 7 And to godliness ^abrotherly ^bkindness; and to brotherly kindness ^ccharity.

 8 For if these things be in you, and ^aabound, they makeyou that ye shall neither be ^bbarren nor ^cunfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

Family Pictures and Puffy Eyes

I finally got family pictures up on my wall again!  We have not had a personal family picture since Hava was a baby and it feels so great.  Of course, I accidentally ordered the one that has a stick across Avot's face but over all I like it a lot. It has a lot of personality and is a good conversation starter :).

One such conversation that has happened went about like this:

Q-dawg, musing: "I think my eyes have been shrinking the older I get."
Me: "You think so?"
Q-dawg: "Yah.  My eyes are getting puffier underneath and my upper eye skin is drooping."
Thinking and looking.
Me: "Mine too.  Do you think it could be lack of sleep?"
Q-dawg: "Probably."

One of the most recent robbers of our rest was in full glory last night: I was up for about two hours with the baby, who is teething his molars something crazy.  Finally, I went in to poor sleeping Q-dawg, on Father's Day morning, and said, "Sorry, I know it's Father's Day, but I have already been up with him since 2:30 and just can't do any more. I have nursed him, given him medicine and walked with him and I am just so frustrated I was wondering if you could take care of him now?" My insanity was probably evident in my voice. My sweet man gently took the screaming child, lovingly patted my leg to let me know I was just fine, and did his magic.

I cried a little, feeling my humanity, and went to sleep.

Sleepless nights?  Sigh.  Thank goodness we already have a Father's Day nap scheduled in!

Update from the Police State

"You have exceeded the allowable traffic violations in the state of New York. You will have your license revoked by June 26th if you do not pay $450."

Got that letter in the mail last Friday.  Nice.

Someone asked what my tickets were for:
-One time I was driving on a lonely stretch of highway in the middle of the day with no traffic talking on a cell phone to a friend a few weeks after moving here. Going well under the speed limit. When I was pulled over, I was genuinely confused.  I was informed of the state law to not talk on the cell phone and ticketed (no warning).  When he took my driver's license, he saw that it had expired three days before.  Apparently in our three months of moving right before that I had missed the notice to renew it.  No, I don't keep track of when my license will be expiring.  Does everybody else, or is that just me?  Fix it ticket? No.  Full ticket.

(I know people have different opinions about talking on the cell phone while driving. I agree that there are times when it is not a good idea--even most of the time--but feel there are times when it is no different from talking to someone sitting next to you in the car. This was one of those times.)

-The last ticket came a few weeks ago when driving to the temple.  We were just pulling up from a stop sign and I was speeding up to a little beyond what I thought was the normal speed and saw one of the signs next to me. I was unfamiliar with it,  trying to decipher it in my head while speeding up, baby screaming in the back, saw a flashing "you are going this fast: 41 mph!," slowed down immediately, saw the school, saw a policeman pull out, realized what the sign said (School hours speed limit: 20 mph from 7 am to 6 pm...no flashing lights.)  Ignorance is NOT bliss.  Now I know.

Back to having my license revoked, I have been looking for an excuse not to drive for years...dating to when my son Isaak died. I cannot tell you how hard it was to get behind the wheel after his death after running him over, the only thing making me drive again was knowing that my kids needed me to and that I didn't want to burden my husband or anyone else further.  I have relived that moment so many times over the years and would welcome a respite.  Three years didn't sound so bad.

Less outside-the-home commitments.

Not driving sounded really good.

I thought it all out how it could work and explained it to Q-dawg: we could get up at 6 am as a family on Sundays and go to church with him; I could organize my grocery shopping so that we could go together once a week...

He stopped me right there.  "I think we should just pay the $450 dollars and move on."

Three years of grocery shopping must not have sounded like a lot of fun :).

From Crying Babies to Temple Covenants...Full Life!

Oh my goodness. I just love waking up to the sound of the many birds that live around us, all accompanied by the rush of the river...oh! I mean creek behind our house :).  Truly love it.

Don't love so much waking up to baby crying :(.  Especially if I just laid down to go to sleep.  This happened a couple nights ago.  Well, it happens a lot more than that, but a couple nights ago it was pretty bad.  Baby Zsa will sleep all the way through the night if I don't nurse him to sleep the night before.  So, a couple nights ago, I stayed there next to his crib and did everything I could think of to help him calm down.  The night before that, I had been able to talk him to sleep. So cool but I never thought of that being a good thing. (I talk my older kids to sleep all the time :).)  Anyway, I just murmured loving words and phrases to him over and over again and he drifted off to sleep. So cute!

It didn't work the next night :S.  After almost an hour of trying different things, the baby was still crying. I have been trying to get to sleep earlier but having a baby can make this a little impossible.  One night I just "passed out" to sleep and my blessed family took care of getting Little Guy to sleep and it was wonderful.  However, with Q-dawg working all hours of the day and night and the older kids going to sleep as well, it doesn't happen often that way.

Sigh.  Most nights, I can just accept his cuteness but not that night!  Argh. I was so frustrated.  After about one more hour of bonding after I calmed down and some more food, he fussed a little and went right to sleep...and woke up in the middle of the night.  Oh well.  At least he got  to sleep!  I do love these babies and will be happy when the babies I get to love have parents of their own that will get up with them in the middle of the night. (At least one of my children assure me that I will have grandbabies if it is up to them, so I figure it is a sure deal.)

*********************
Last night, we went to a play as a family and the gang did pretty well. It was "Oklahoma" which I didn't really remember the plot.  Oh yah.  Because there is no real plot outside of flirting but it was fun to see the scenery and support our friend's son in the play.  The dancing and singing was delightful and it fit in with our time period we are studying in history so I chalked it up to "art day" activity/field trip.  I spent the last part of it in the foyer with Spooner (who was so done) and Baby Zsa who had decided to start playfully singing along with the actors.  I didn't mind because my legs had gotten restless so I got some bonding/snuggle time :).

I have been capitalizing more and more on that lately.  The other night, I plopped down to read Spooner a book (one of his favorites: a Magic School Bus!) and by the end had Baby Zsa crawling up to me, Papaya on one knee, Spooner deep in my lap and Hava and Pipalicious on each side with Chugger-dude leaning over.  Loved it.

I am being reminded that these moments won't last forever every time I look at Avot and Lek.  Just the other night we were up late, Lek catching up on the news on the computer, Avot reading a book at the table, the Goob making us all laugh and keeping us distracted on what mattered less and focused on what mattered most: our time together.

There has been such a feeling of peace here in our home.  The other day, Avot went through the temple for the first time to get her endowments and it was amazing, from start to finish.  Lek came along to the Palmyra temple with us to watch Baby Zsa and they had a great time hanging out in the car together.  Liliputian and the Goob took care of the home crowd inside (it was raining) and without any media the entire day!  We came home and some were reading, some were building with legos and the rest were playing happily together in the girls' room.  The table and kitchen were pretty clean with cookies waiting for us to sample...yum!  We did get report of conflict while we were gone, but no worries!  Life will always have it's hiccups and bumps, but they got past it.  It was another miracle in a beautiful day.

As for Avot, she was radiant.  What an amazing day to celebrate with an amazing daughter.  I know those beautiful promises and covenants she is making will be such a blessing, a source of strength to her in the mission field!

I was also so grateful to hear that my prayers were answered that my little ones who were left for so many hours would not only be safe, but loved and happy.  Angels truly did make it a miraculous day over all!

We had a great lunch afterward, celebrating with Q-dawg's folks and our friend Sister Moore, thanks to Dad Biesinger.  It was so fun to sit and laugh with them (and Lek and the baby!) after sharing that beautiful experience.  Feeling blessed!

I am not going crazy

I finally realized what was happening....

With this pregnancy, I have struggled with excessive weight gain (above and beyond the "beautiful usual") and extreme fatigue.  Just this morning it dawned on me:  hey!  I have had problems with hypothyroidism for the last two pregnancies...duh!  Both of those are direct symptoms!  Thankfully, I have found a good midwife and will start seeing her, transferring from the doctor I saw at the beginning of the pregnancy.   She is able to test and prescribe for such things, so that should be taken care of soon.

This week has been very challenging to keep going with things.  I literally spent all of Tuesday morning in bed, even doing our family devotionals from there.  I have really had to exert myself to get up and get moving despite my best efforts to sleep sufficiently, eat well, and exercise.  And with that weight gain problem...well!  We all know how depressing that would be! I have kept watching it climb quickly and been horrified as I have tried exercise, modifying my diet...anything!  Hopefully getting on some thyroid supplements will help, but it really makes me wish I would have thought of it sooner and could somehow zap off the "instant 20 lbs" that I gained over the past few months.   I am grateful, though, to realize a cause and that, at least for now, I will have more control over that aspect!

The kids have been fabulous and understanding. I do feel the strain of sacrificing the "good" of the many for the "good" of the one...the new baby.  I know that life is not to be without trials, but I have never liked the idea of any of my kids having to get less of me because of another...and creating situations that demand this.  I want them all to feel my love and get what I can give them.  However, I also remember not only being overwhelmed with one and two children, but feeling that when I had three, all of a sudden, I was beyond my capacity. symbolically and literally as I didn't have enough hands to keep track of all three at once.  Really...who ever has time to do everything they want to do
or think is important?

And you know something? My kids seem to be just fine :).  I am sure in the years to come there will be the looking back, the pondering on "what my parents did to ruin me" that always seems to surface in one child or another.  However, there are many things about parenting and raising children that defy reason, that defy logic.  It would take too long of a post here to cover them all but somehow, defying all logic of "modern acceptance of what a child needs"--space, time, money, investment, etc.--my children seem to be just as wonderfully dysfunctional as the rest of us.

This reminds me of a comment my husband heard recently at his 11-year-old scout class.  One of his scouts said, "You know, it's crazy how you guys are having another baby and..."  He hesitated.

My husband, with his usual humor, encouraged the boy to continue.

"Well,....it is crazy how you guys are having a new baby and you don't even have room for the kids you do have!"

Definitely not the observation of an 11-year-old.

Putting aside my initial shock at hearing my friend's family make such a judgment and my initial response to want to lash out and start looking for their parental deficiencies, what I really wanted to do was say:

"How much room does a child need?  How much is learned by sharing bedrooms, by sharing living spaces, by breathing each other's air? Is our society really all that much better and happier than other countries with our bubbles of individuality and 'comfort zones'...other countries that mix and mingle, see each other in their full humanity and inhumanity on a daily basis and somehow seem to be so much happier than all of us caught up in this rat race to create perceived perfection in our individualize, stylized worlds?  How lonely we are, as we carefully control our spaces and our bubbles, making sure we are not being hurt but also shielding ourselves from the blessed human-ness of our fellow man as we resist rubbing shoulders, hugging, speaking, and listening--laughing and crying together, being hurt and loved by each other--realizing there is beauty and safety on the other side of relationships that have been fixed when they hurt oh so much!

"How much did my children learn living in a one-bedroom apartment in Hungary of patience, tolerance, acceptance?  Would I trade that for a 10-bedroom house?  A house where they could literally live out their lives without ever needing to see one another until meal time?  Is that what we want?  Again, how much room does a child need...and 'need' for what?"

Yes, the boy's comment hurt in that I felt judged by people who I didn't want to think did that of me. I hate judgment...or rather condemning, since we all must make judgment calls to create or reinforce our own perspective.  "Condemning" is one of my pet peeves and yes--I am in danger of condemning those who condemn :).

I love the beauty of diversity and the knowledge and appreciation that comes on the other side of seeing people do things their own way.  I love the beauty and diversity of my own life that has come from trying to live my life the way I feel I should without feeling constrained or defined by society and it's expectations.  I mean look at me...homeschooling mom of 10 kids who also went to live in Hungary.  I am used to strange looks and general consessions: "That's just the Biesingers...doing things their own way." I learn a lot this way and generally spend my time looking inward and heavenward to what I should be doing, not outward to how my neighbors think I should do things.  I don't have the time, energy or resources (let alone the interest!) to try and keep up with everyone's perspective about what is best for me and my family.

Do I think I am crazy?  Every day.  I often lay awake in the morning or at night thinking about my kids, feeling my inadequacies and praying and pondering about each one: what can I do to show them I love them?  What needs do they have?  Many times, they or others meet those needs and I am grateful.  Hopefully through this experience, my children will always know that they have the whole race of humanity as their brothers and sisters, teachers and friends.  They see me in my imperfection try to love them, fail, and try again. Maybe that will empower them as future imperfect parents. Somehow, I see them look back at our lives even now and say, "Mom, remember how you always...?" and I smile, knowing that it was far from always and grateful for the hand of God, the hand of grace to fill in the gaps.

My house is not clean most of the time.  My kids fall and hurt themselves.  They fight, they fix, they fight some more.  They learn together.  They forgive each other.  They experience neglect and hardship.  They experience deep love and sacrifice.  They learn independence and interdependence.  You know, somehow, this "small and inadequate" house of 2200 square feet feels too big to me most of the time.  I miss Hungary, when we were always under each other's feet until the kids fled to the outdoors.  Our rooms were filled with people reading, playing games, talking and laughing and it felt good.

I am excited to move to New York and our 1700 square feet, 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom work-in-progress.  I am excited for the park next door and the "100-acre-woods" behind it for them to flee too...and the coziness to come home to.

How much room does a child need?  I guess that depends upon what you think a child needs.  And, novel idea, maybe different children need different things.  I am sure some may need that bubble of protection and space and I am grateful that they will have it.  I am sure some of my kids will think they are one of those :).  And I am sure that, if they look back honestly, they will see how much they gained, grew, and learned from their times tripping over each other and "breathing each other's air."

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”--Marjorie Hinckley